Cam came home and before we knew it, we were engaged. Of course I wanted to look good for the wedding and our Hawaii Honeymoon so I tried running again, the only thing I knew, and my IT bands wouldn't allow it. Not running almost made me depressed and I started to run the other way.... CANDY! I started putting some pounds on, but I didn't think it was enough to worry, until the night before our wedding my dress wouldn't fit. Yep, that happened. Luckily we got it to fit for the wedding day and everything worked out.
Jumping right into newlywed life, I wanted to be the best cook Cam would ever have so bring on the yummy, heavy meals! Working out? Who needed that right? We were too busy being in love and figuring out this whole marriage thing. Well lets add in my birth control. Thats stuff was of the devil! I turned into freaking godzilla and was about to tear down the town. It also made me gain even more weight.
Skip forward to a year ago when I found out I have PCOS. We'll talk about all that later but, I had myself convinced that my body was broken.
Why am I telling you about all of this? Well I didn't realize what was happening to me through all these physical trials I was spiraling down to a very unhappy place. I was losing myself! Constantly I kept hearing, "this isn't you," "you are different," "you used to be so happy about everything." But it honestly wasn't until a few weeks ago that I really realized what I was doing to myself. I had stopped wearing make up, started wearing all of Cam's clothes because mine didn't fit and I had myself convinced I would never wear cute clothes again, and I also couldn't tell you the last time I had done my hair! Yep, I was a total mess! I started feeling like I wasn't worth anything. So what changed?
NEW JEANS!
No joke! A few weeks ago I woke up trying to find something to wear and couldn't take it anymore. My cheap $10 jeans were fitting right and they looked like I grabbed them out of the garbage 80 years ago. Every shirt in my closed was a t-shirt that was either way too big or had some kind of stain on it. No more! I finally got up the courage to get me some really nice and good quality jeans. I waited 5 days for those babies to come in the mail. I swear to you, the second I put on that first pair of new jeans, everything changed! I felt like a whole new woman! I immediately got online and ordered cute shirts to go with my new jeans. And then I ordered more shirts, and then new swimsuits, and then a new hat.... and then I had to take my card away from myself. But I finally had found my love of shopping again! I got my hair done, ordered me some new make up and started actually washing my hair every single day! I have not gone one day in the past 3 weeks without getting ready.
Now of course, I don't expect new jeans to change everything, but it was that one thing that triggered a change inside me. I didn't want to be self conscious anymore, I didn't want to be unhappy anymore, so I chose not to be! I can feel myself changing every day! I am a much happier person now.
Sure, I guess I could have summarized all this into, I used to be unhappy, then I bought new jeans, and then I was happy again, but how boring would that have been? I guess moral of my story is, everyone is amazing and even though we may gain weight or get injured or just don't want to get ready in the morning, YOU ARE WORTH IT! It took me 4 years to figure that out! I may have gained quite a bit of weight, changed my hair color a few times and can't run for more than 2 minutes at a time, but I'm still pretty awesome and I am worth it! My body is worth it! Everyone deserves happiness no matter their circumstances!
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