Commitment issues

Lets discuss the elephant in the room... my commitment issues.

I have a real fear of disappointing people. I never want others to be upset with me or mad at me. So dumb right? Well because of that fear I have an issue with commitment. When I commit to something I am fully committed and will do whatever it takes to finish what I started, but when I commit to people something inside me freezes up and I end up disappointing someone. PTSD? Not sure, but its a big reason why I don't have a lot of friends or do much with people. Just call me the non-committing hermit!

Lately I have been trying my best to get over that fear and actually doing things that might make me nervous. Even just the thought of inviting people over to our house make me cringe because what if I don't make enough food or they get bored or they realize half way through the night that we are lame? I over think things, I know, but those things go through my mind constantly! And even though I have those thoughts... I have been actually inviting people over and trying to find friends and do more with people other than my sweet husband.

Last night Cam suggested that me and my mom go get our nails done and normally I wouldn't because what if she brings up a time when I let her or my sisters down? How will I deal with that? But I called her and we went out and got our nails done and it was amazing to just be with her and talk about her life and what I can help out with. Why I stress myself out over these things, I don't have any idea but I need to put a stop to it.

I'm learning how to be Jim Carrey off of "Yes Man" and just doing things because they are fun. Not thinking and just doing. I mean obviously nothing stupid right?

So this was total rambling, but it's been on my mind lately and its a change I am COMMITTING to make!

Our New President

So.... Donald Trump got elected as the new President of the United States today. Crazy right? Who would have thought that would have ever happen? I am happy about it though. I AM NOT a political person. I have no idea how any of that crap works, but I do think from the little knowledge I do have that we needed a change from status quo. I have good hopes that he will change a few things to "Make America Great Again."

On the other hand, I am just happy to live in this beautiful country where there are people trying to do their best in this world. As I sit here and watch the sun rise over the mountains at my desk where I make money to pay my bills and enjoy life, I can't complain! Besides, I have a Father in Heaven who is watching out for us and I find comfort in His plan.

Also, I can't complain about my peanut butter and jelly protein shake! Basically my favorite breakfast of all time. Im 3/3 on workouts this week and although I'm sore, I feel AMAZING!

Have a lovely day peeps!

Once a year

I've always wanted to travel. I LOVE EXPLORING! I just always thought I'd never be able to do it because everything is too expensive... but let me tell you... I should be a travel agent! I've found so many amazing travel deals that it's sparked something in me that is ready to just go!

Me and Cam were talking about it and my love for traveling has me eyeing some international places I would love to discover. We decided that once a year we are going to travel somewhere internationally and then do a few trips throughout the year within the US. 2017 is already taken care of because we will be going to Guatemala to pick up my baby brother from his mission. I CANNOT WAIT! The pictures he has sent us are to die for and I can't wait to see where he has been. Here are a few other places that are definitely on my list:

• Belize
• Barcelona, Spain
• Dublin, Ireland
• Puerto Rico
• Amsterdam, Netherlands
• Buenos Aires, Argentina
• Fiji

Just to name a few! I am so excited for more adventures!

Inspiration needed

I've already talked about the reason why I stopped blogging, one of them being that I couldn't figure out what to blog about. I find that am still running into that problem. I guess I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but nothing goes together... so here is to random posts that you'll probably see every single day!

Highlight of my week: Yesterday cam bought me a new blender and it was the most exciting $140 I've spent in a while! When I am eating healthily and working out I love protein shakes, but the $20 blender I bought in college just wasn't cutting it anymore. It seriously took us 20 minutes to make one shake. Kill me. So we gave in and bought the most beautiful blender I've ever seen and my shake this morning was one for the books!

Amazon orders of the week: Amazon has been my friend this week. I found IT Band Straps that I can use while I start my process of running again. Even though they aren't a cure, I need any help I can get with these babies! They will be coming in the mail today and I couldn't be more excited! I also ordered an exercise band and who knew I could be so excited over that coming? That should be arriving today too. I know what I'll be doing tonight, because we are picking up my treadmill today. Woot woot!

Motivation of the week: I think I need to go watch some Legally Blonde tonight. Elle Woods is my soul sister!

Yay for the big 25!

Cam and I are lucky enough to be able to celebrate both of our birthdays in October! For the record, I am 10 days older than him. :) This year felt like a big one though because we both turned 25.

You know what that means? No more dumb under-25 car rental fees! Why we were so excited for that I can't tell you, but we were! This year's birthday celebrations have been so memorable. From Witches Night out to Topgolf and the halloween haunted lift ride, we've managed to spoil each other to death! 

I sure love this birthday buddy of mine!

Baby Steps

Today I realized how out of shape I am. I also learned that what I was doing to try and heal my IT bands has actually been making them worse! And by that, I mean I was doing nothing physical at all just thinking 4 years of rest would make them all better. Come to find out I need to be doing the exact opposite!

It's crazy how motivation comes and mine is coming from the small, ity-bity glimmer of hope I have of running again. Today we are picking up my treadmill and I am ready to make a difference in my health which will hopefully lead to me running again! But all of that will take baby steps and I am finally okay with that! It's time to just commit!

I don't post this picture as a sad memory of where I used to be, but motivation of where I am headed to!

New Jeans

Four years ago, just before Cam got home from his mission, I was in extremely good shape. I was running 5 miles every morning, eating healthy and even had completed a half marathon. Running actually became the reason I woke up every morning. I was.. I guess.. my high? A day just wasn't complete unless I went running. My second half marathon just before Cam came home I injured both of my IT bands. That put a stop to my running. It was painful just to walk and sitting in a movie was the bain of my existence! However, Cam came home and it took my mind off of running. 

Cam came home and before we knew it, we were engaged. Of course I wanted to look good for the wedding and our Hawaii Honeymoon so I tried running again, the only thing I knew, and my IT bands wouldn't allow it. Not running almost made me depressed and I started to run the other way.... CANDY! I started putting some pounds on, but I didn't think it was enough to worry, until the night before our wedding my dress wouldn't fit. Yep, that happened. Luckily we got it to fit for the wedding day and everything worked out. 

Jumping right into newlywed life, I wanted to be the best cook Cam would ever have so bring on the yummy, heavy meals! Working out? Who needed that right? We were too busy being in love and figuring out this whole marriage thing. Well lets add in my birth control. Thats stuff was of the devil! I turned into freaking godzilla and was about to tear down the town. It also made me gain even more weight. 

Skip forward to a year ago when I found out I have PCOS. We'll talk about all that later but, I had myself convinced that my body was broken.

Why am I telling you about all of this? Well I didn't realize what was happening to me through all these physical trials I was spiraling down to a very unhappy place. I was losing myself! Constantly I kept hearing, "this isn't you," "you are different," "you used to be so happy about everything." But it honestly wasn't until a few weeks ago that I really realized what I was doing to myself. I had stopped wearing make up, started wearing all of Cam's clothes because mine didn't fit and I had myself convinced I would never wear cute clothes again, and I also couldn't tell you the last time I had done my hair! Yep, I was a total mess! I started feeling like I wasn't worth anything. So what changed?

NEW JEANS!

No joke! A few weeks ago I woke up trying to find something to wear and couldn't take it anymore. My cheap $10 jeans were fitting right and they looked like I grabbed them out of the garbage 80 years ago. Every shirt in my closed was a t-shirt that was either way too big or had some kind of stain on it. No more! I finally got up the courage to get me some really nice and good quality jeans. I waited 5 days for those babies to come in the mail. I swear to you, the second I put on that first pair of new jeans, everything changed! I felt like a whole new woman! I immediately got online and ordered cute shirts to go with my new jeans. And then I ordered more shirts, and then new swimsuits, and then a new hat.... and then I had to take my card away from myself. But I finally had found my love of shopping again! I got my hair done, ordered me some new make up and started actually washing my hair every single day! I have not gone one day in the past 3 weeks without getting ready.

Now of course, I don't expect new jeans to change everything, but it was that one thing that triggered a change inside me. I didn't want to be self conscious anymore, I didn't want to be unhappy anymore, so I chose not to be! I can feel myself changing every day! I am a much happier person now. 

Sure, I guess I could have summarized all this into, I used to be unhappy, then I bought new jeans, and then I was happy again, but how boring would that have been? I guess moral of my story is, everyone is amazing and even though we may gain weight or get injured or just don't want to get ready in the morning, YOU ARE WORTH IT! It took me 4 years to figure that out! I may have gained quite a bit of weight, changed my hair color a few times and can't run for more than 2 minutes at a time, but I'm still pretty awesome and I am worth it! My body is worth it! Everyone deserves happiness no matter their circumstances!